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By Sebastian Eluehike.

Raising a responsible citizen is like dancing the tango – it takes two to make it work. Just as a tango dancer needs a partner to create a beautiful dance, a child needs both parents and society to become a responsible citizen. In principle, every citizen has first been a child, and the values and character they develop during childhood will shape the kind of adult they become. However, as society continues to evolve and expand to include foreign cultures and the virtual world, the makeup of the family unit has also changed. The large extended family has given way to smaller nuclear families, resulting in the influence of parents on their children diminishing in comparison to the impact of society. The family remains the primordial source of life-long values, and parents are the strongest protagonists in raising children into responsible adults.

But what does it mean to be a responsible citizen? It means being a productive member of society who contributes positively to their community, respects the law, and upholds shared values. While the community plays a significant role in shaping the values and character of children, the family remains the most fundamental source of these values. Parents are responsible for sowing the seeds of virtue and instilling a sense of responsibility within their children. In society today, best practices and efficiency are critical when raising a child. Parents need to be mindful of the influences their children are vulnerable to, both in the physical world and online. They must also be conscious of the best practices for raising a child, including setting boundaries, promoting positive behaviours, and fostering independence. 

The urgent question is whether the upbringing of children should be with fear or love. As a parent, is it better to make your child do what you say by scaring them with punishment or by making them want to please you because they love you? In other words, should parents use fear or love to encourage good behaviour in their children? I contend that it is better and more in conformity with the level of human development today to raise children in love and for love. Instilling fear is sometimes necessary, but the overriding emphasis has to be love and freedom (properly understood). My vote, therefore, goes against corporal punishment – deliberately inflicting bodily pain – as a way of raising children into responsible citizens.

“Spare the rod and spoil the child”, is a wise injunction of Sacred Scripture. However, people should understand it as an admonishment against permissiveness in bringing up children. It urges firmness and diligence in discipline, leadership, correcting and, where necessary, punishing a child in a manner that is not demeaning or counter-productive. The Key here is love, not fear. It is only in the context of love that responsibility takes root. To further support this, studies have shown that positive reinforcement and parental warmth lead to better long-term outcomes for children (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016). Corporal punishment, conversely, has been linked to adverse effects such as increased aggression and mental health problems (Gershoff, 2013). Parents should teach their children that doing the right thing should come from a personal decision, not external cohesion. Here lies what true freedom and responsibility mean. It guarantees that he will continue to act right when he is on his own as an undergraduate and later in life as an adult. It places the onus on the parents to help the child properly understand the reason for acting. It puts the sweet burden of good example on the parents as a way of making good behaviour attractive. Children are more effectively formed by what adults, especially their parents, do.

In summary, I would say that the means to raise children effectively into responsible citizens include:

• Explain the reasons for good behaviour clearly to them. For example, you can tell your child that being generous with their toys shows kindness and respect for others.
• Guide them to do the right thing (remember, virtue results from good acts practised repeatedly). For instance, you can encourage your child to develop the virtue of honesty by teaching them to be truthful, even when it is hard.
• Listen to them, and place yourself in their shoes to understand how they feel or what they think. It helps to try and remember what you felt when you were their age.
• Lead by example. Children are more likely to follow your lead than your words, so practice what you preach. If you want your child to be respectful, show respect to others.
• Be firm in demanding that they do what is proper. But at the same time, be understanding and patient. For example, if your child is having a tantrum in public, you can calmly and firmly tell them their behaviour is unacceptable. Also, acknowledge that they might be feeling overwhelmed or tired.
• When you punish (this will not be too frequent if you observe the above), do so with love and creativity. And let the punishment be appropriate and related to the offence committed, keeping in mind the personal situation of the offender. It is the so-called justice of mothers.

Concerning the last of the above points, I recall that many years ago, I visited my friend who then had four boys, aged between one and seven. While we conversed in his sitting room, the boys, eager to partake in our get-together, continually interrupted us with many questions and demands for attention. At a point, irked by their disturbance, my friend said in a clear and firm voice, “Boy, quiet, or you will go upstairs”! I was impressed by the silence that instantly followed. My friend saw me off when I eventually took my leave. I then asked him what was upstairs his children seemed so afraid of. His response impressed me even more. He said, “Nothing. But they do not want to find out what is there. I have used the trick since we began to have children. So far, it has worked just fine”.

In truth, there is life beyond the cane.